On Wednesday 2011-01-26, I went to see the doc for the normal weekly consult and for the results of the bone-marrow biopsy. My blood counts are all normal and the biopsy showed normal bone marrow activity and was clear for cancer. When the doc said those words, I felt almost faint with relief.
I asked her if I can say I’m cured and she replied that only after 1 year of clear tests, will I be able to say that. I’m in remission. I felt quite deflated. I had thought the constant nagging fear would evaporate, but it’s still there. If the cancer returns, she said they will pick it up quickly and will then give me some of the donor’s fighter cells to combat that.
I’ve stopped the prograf and she said to expect to develop a rash, which will be quite itchy. She said that this will be graft-versus-host and will be a good indication that the transplant is working.
I feel like I undertook a huge project, did everything I could, gave it my all, and now it’s slowly unravelling. I also feel very tired, more than last week, coupled with light-headedness. I suppose I’m now experiencing PTD. Quite normal according to the counsellor.
On Sunday Jose shaved off the last scraggly hairs on my scalp. I then shaved his hair off, but his is already growing back! I hope mine grows back that quickly!
I now have a very shiny head. I’ve been going hatless, even when we go out. At first I tried the scarfs and hats, but hated the feeling, so bald it is. At the doc’s it's quite funny, because all the bald ladies give me a great big smile! It’s like we belong to a secret club!
I feel like I’m in limbo. Not going anywhere or moving forward. I’m stuck in never-never land. I wonder how I would feel if I stopped the anti-depressants and I think it would be quite scary to face all these emotions face on without that safety net. I am tired, physically and emotionally. It’s a mess of confused emotions that I’m trying to untangle.
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