Day +34

Today is day 34 post my transplant.

I still feel very tired, and the smallest physical exertion leaves me gasping for air. Walking around or standing makes me feel dizzy and I start seeing black spots.

At last Thursday's consultation, the doctor told me that the due to the blood clot I had in my left lung while in hospital, I lost another third of my left lung. This is bad news considering the lower lobe is still showing damage from the previous embolism. She also put me back on warfarin and clexan injections. These go in around the belly button and feel like wasp stings. The doctor says that without the warfarin there is a definite danger of developing another clot and she does not want to take any chances.

I also have some graft-versus-host itchy spots on my head. Nothing too bad, and nothing to worry about.

Over the last few days I've been able to swallow the 20 tablets for breakfast without any mishaps, though I have to take them slowly and spaced out over about 15 minutes. It feels like quite an achievement to get them all down without loosing my breakfast!

It's great to be home, in my own bed. I feel safe here and this has helped me to heal. The day I was discharged I felt ecstatic and petrified at the same time. Driving home, I thought about how insignificant we all are, so concerned with our own lives, often taking little time to think about the miracle of how God knows who and where we all are.

My greatest fear is picking up an infection, and having to go back to hospital. The first week after I came home I got gastro-enteritis and had to go to the local ER. When they admitted me, all I could think about was all the contagious people in hospital and that the nurses touch all the patients without scrubbing-in between patients! I was very stressed about that and when the doctor did his rounds that evening I begged him to let me come home.

Christmas and New Years Eve were spent at home, just the 3 of us. I missed my family and friends, but focused on all the years we will have ahead. I especially missed my mom who passed away three years ago this December, and my mom-in-law who was like a mother to me. I thought about how cruel life can be, and how cancer has decimated my family.

I'm now almost bald, though there are still a few prickly hairs left on my head. My chemo burns are pealing, leaving raw skin underneath. Not at all pleasant. My j-line dressing also pulled away some of the skin and it's now developed a sore, just next to the j-line. These things too, shall pass.

For the year ahead, my goals are to get through the next 8 weeks of weekly doctor's visits, to be cancer free at the end of February, to get back to work and to take up my new life.

Micaela constantly comes to hug me and tell how much she loves me and that she's so happy to have me home. Jose thinks I look great bald and has paid me numerous compliments about my new appearance. With a man like that by my side, I can only feel great.

Thanks to everyone that has been praying for me, sending sms's, phoning and sending meals. Your support makes me feel humble and so blessed.

Wishing everyone a year ahead full of health, joy and happiness.